No one really wants to admit the fact that their special needs sibling embarrasses the heck out of them sometimes. They don’t want to admit that because we’re “supposed” to be better than that. There is a constant pressure to be better than “outsiders”. When were we assigned that role?! I don’t feel as though I was raised any differently than anyone else, so how is it that I magically don’t feel that twinge of shame when my brother is singing happy birthday to me in the gym six months after my birthday or making a fuss over food…?
That is what we always fight over–food. It is the common enemy in my family. My mom thinks it stems from my brother’s childhood when his body was deprived and could not get enough nutrients to itself. So now we have at least two battles daily about my brother eating too much. It’s embarrassing to tell my friends why when I leave my brother alone, we have to literally lock the refrigerator and not have that much food in the pantry or the garage fridge. It’s embarrassing when we went to my extended family’s house for Christmas dinner and my brother insisted on taking food home. Am I NOT supposed to feel this humiliation because I’m used to it? Does anyone ever get used to feeling embarrassed? I can’t control the actions of my brother or the reactions of others around us. I can only control myself and how I am. But I can’t be feel that angry welt in my stomach when my brother starts to act up. Why does he have to be that way sometimes?! I’m tired of just pretending like it doesn’t matter or that I’m not bothered by it. Sometimes, I feel like I’d rather just sit down and cry.
I’m supposed to not be bothered and I’m supposed to not care about it because I’m his sister and I should be used to it. At least, that’s what it seems like the world wants from me.
What about what I want?
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January 5, 2010 at 3:34 pm
staying afloat
Wow- if it’s all right, I’d like to print this out so my kids can read it. Because I hear stuff like this all the time. Their brother likes to sing cartoon theme songs in the middle of the side walk, and he doesn’t have a quiet voice. My older son keeps saying, “It would be OK if he was three…”
Thanks for the perspective. That line about how it doesn’t stop hurting even when you’re used to it, I think I forget that a lot with my kids. Now I’ll try to be more in touch.
May I ask how you dealt with all this as a pre-teen and high schooler?
January 13, 2010 at 5:32 pm
kristen1218
Of course it is alright! It’s really hard sometimes when you’re younger and it never really changes. There are a lot of emotions that can go through a siblings head. While you love your special sibling, it can be embarrassing when they “act out” and many times there is then guilt for feeling that embarrassment or shame.
When I was a pre-teen and high schooler, I have to say I was really lucky to have so many supportive people in my life who really treated my brother as though there was nothing “wrong”. I did, however, keep a lot of emotions to myself. My parents expected me to act as an adult and thats what I did. I spent a lot of time fighting with my brother as a pre teen but as I got older I had to come to accept the fact that I couldn’t change my brother. There isn’t much that a parent can really do to change or help the feelings that siblings have. The important thing I think is to let them know that whatever their feelings are it’s ok-whether it is shame, embarrassment, etc. Let them know you are there in case they want to chat. In the end, our siblings are who they are and eventually we will learn to accept that–or at least I did. It’s tough and hard but not impossible!